FAQ's

People have lots of questions about getting married in church.  Here’s how we at Highbury answer those questions: the answers come from our Minister, Richard Cleaves.

Can I get married at Highbury if I don’t already belong?
Yes.  We are only too pleased to welcome people who want to get married at our church and to share in their special day.  There are some anomalies in the law at the moment that mean that the law requires one of the couple to establish a seven day residence in Cheltenham prior to giving notice of their marriage at the registry office.

How much will it cost?
People imagine that it has to cost a lot to get married.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We believe that a wedding service is part of belonging to church so if you belong to church there won’t be any charge for using the church or for preparation sessions.  There are statutory fees for the certificates you need to get from the Registry office to enable you to get married at Highbury.  They will cost £30 each  and you will need one each.  There is a statutory fee of £25 for the marriage certificate issued on the day of the wedding.  In some circumstances this fee could be waived.  That means that the minimum cost for getting married with no extras is £60.

For others we make the following charges:

£60 for the use of the church.  £60 to the Minister for five preparatory sessions, a rehearsal  and the wedding itself.  £30 for an organist.  £30 for the Authorised person to include the cost of the marriage certificate.  Our flower arrangers are sometimes able to acquire flowers and arrange them.   £100 will cover the cost of lovely arrangements in the church.

Is it possible to get married at Highbury if one or other of the couple have been divorced?
Yes.  Christianity is all about making new starts.  When a divorce happens there are usually hurts that need healing and often wrongs that need setting right.  Christianity is all about healing hurts and setting wrongs right.  It is possible to make sure that the wording of the service is appropriate to the circumstances of the wedding.
There is one circumstance that would cause problems: that’s when the relationship of the couple coming to be married has been the substantial cause of the breakdown of the first marriage.
There will be no prying into anyone’s past when you come to visit our minister.  He will explain his thinking without going into your past at all and then leave it for you to decide whether you want to go ahead with the wedding at Highbury or not.
Services in these circumstances can often be very special and very moving as they mark a new beginning and open up all sorts of channels for healing and re-building.

Are there any circumstances in which Christians should live together without being married?
No.  Christian teaching encourages people to enter into a Christian marriage at a wedding service and then live together afterwards.

Lots do.  Should they feel guilty?
No.  I think we need to seek to understand what couples are doing when they live together, and what's going on in our society.  At the same time I think couples living together need to understand what they are doing.  It doesn't help at all to use the term 'living in sin' to describe such a relationship.  That leads off in the direction of guilt trips that are not at all helpful.  Better by far is the term 'common-law marriage'.  I believe that our society at the moment practises three levels of marriage.  I would think of them as a Bronze standard, a Silver standard and a Gold standard.  There is 'common-law marriage' where people choose to live together with no legal under-pinning of their relationship and no religious dimension to it.  Secondly, there is 'civil marriage' where people have a legal framework for all that they share in their relationship with each other but no religious dimension.  Third, there is 'religious marriage', which for us who are Christians is 'Christian marriage' where couples celebrate the presence of God in their partnership together.  There are no guesses as to which I think is the Gold standard!

If  you found a couple were 'cohabiting' with no apparent intention of getting married and yet attending church regularly, what if anything would you say to them?

I would not go out of my way to raise it with them as I would recognise they are in a 'common-law marriage relationship' already.  Shouod the situation arise in conversation, I would endeavour not to be judgemental, but I would try to be persuasive.

First I would explain my understanding of marriage and my view that they are already married, and in a 'common-law marriage'.  The pastoral problems of any break-up they would experience in the future or any bereavement or any problems with children would be no different for them in their 'common-law marriage' than for anyone in a civil or a religious marriage.  If they imagine they will be easier they are kidding themselves.  It's not just they are as good as married ... they are married, albeit in a 'common-law marriage' which denies them the security of a legal framework for their relationship, and means that they miss out on the wonderful 'third dimension' that God offers their relationship too.

I would then persuade them of the value first of giving the marriage they already have a legal framework.

It is perverse in our litigious society that we would not dream of purchasing a TV without keeping the receipt in case it went wrong, we would not dream of allowing someone to drive us in a car unless they had a driving licence and motor car insurance, we wouldn't go on holiday without taking documentation about our reservations with us ... and yet we are prepared to take out a massive mortgage in a partnership with someone else and even bring children into the world without any piece of paper providing us with a legal framework.  That beggars belief to me.

I once heard a member of the Lockerbie relatives group describing the way in which one of the first things they did after the Lockerbie disaster was to marry their partner.  If you are in a common-law marriage and have no legal framework for your marriage then your partner will not be your next of kin.  That can prove disastrously tragic and result in you having no say at all in the funeral of your loved one.

The marriage laws that provide the legal framework for marriage evolved throughout the Nineteenth and Twentieth Century primarily to provide security for both partners and where there are children for children too.  They establish rights, not least to property, on the part of both parties within a clear legal framework, and define responsibilities, not least towards children again in a legal framework.  Should the marriage break up they provide a framework within the law to resolve issues concerning child care, maintenance and property that are an essential security to all concerned.

'Civil marriage' is more than a ring and a piece of paper.  It provides the security of a legal framework to the marriage relationship.  That's why it is important to up-grade from a 'common-law marriage' to a civil marriage.

Now comes the good news ... and it really is good news!  There's another dimension to the lives you share with each other.  Being in a relationship is not easy.  There's a source of help and strength available to help that relationship grow and reach its full potential.  God's presence can be in that relationship in all his power and in all his love.  And that is something really special.  That's where the third dimension of marriage comes into its own.  That's where it really is worth inviting God to be part of the marriage relationship you share.  That's why I reckon it's really worth while to up-grade to the gold standard of marriage and go for Christian marriage.  That begins with a Christian wedding service ...  but it doesn't end there.  It goes on for a life-time too!

You can find us at the top of Oxford St, off the London Road, GL52 6DT
Weddings are conducted by our Minister, the Rev Dr Richard Cleaves
richard.cleaves@highburychurch.co.uk
websites:  www.highgburychurch.co.uk   www.Jesusfortoday.co.uk